{"id":463,"date":"2026-04-06T20:52:58","date_gmt":"2026-04-06T20:52:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/?page_id=463"},"modified":"2026-04-07T10:13:37","modified_gmt":"2026-04-07T10:13:37","slug":"how-may-i-help-you","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/?page_id=463","title":{"rendered":"“How may I help you?”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
Prompt<\/summary>\n

For Soawen<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“There are times when Humanity’s Democratic Republic of Terra finds that peace and diplomacy are no longer an option with an increasingly hostile alien race, but Humans can’t be seen delivering the first strike. Thus the creation of the human “Customer Service Division”.
through the use of advanced reverse-diplomacy tactics such as “quality” and “competent” customer service specialists even the most friendly foreign diplomat can be convinced to declare war”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No scope.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

HDR, short among the techies for Humanity\u2019s Democratic Republic of Terra, pun intended, due to their surrounding monitors, was under pressure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Increasingly hostile activities had been detected among the so called alliance alien races. They were subtle at first. A rumour from an official source, then a casual remark until an \u2018oversight\u2019 at a diplomatic event happened that was impossible to retaliate as that could not be done subtly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The techies collected and displayed all the instances of subtle insults on the big screens covering the walls, one for each alien faction. They even had a betting pool going on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only one screen was empty and only the newbies coming into the office were stupid enough to bet that an insult would be added there. They had dubbed the faction Big Brother, pun intended. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Big Brother was the major player in the galaxy and the reason that HDR was not able to strike back, neither physically nor diplomatically towards the other alliance races. Big Brother could not see the subtleties that was thrown at HDR. But they would be able to see direct retaliation and nobody wanted to anger Big Brother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was hard for HDR to play the same game as the other alliance races since they were being ganged up on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today was the day the new system was being installed. Today was the day when the techies welcomed new colleagues. Today was the day the Customer Service Division was going live. To support Big Brother\u2019s diplomatic endeavours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HDR had plotted and prepared. They were ready for NOT delivering the first strike, but Big Brother would not mind them retaliating on anybody that had declared them war.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today the betting pool had been emptied and a new created. Today the screens had been wiped clean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now everybody could watch live when the customer service team talked to the various diplomats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nya won the betting pool. The Xenophobes were the first. Which was fitting since they were the most aggressive and least subtle race. They had only managed to stay under Big Brother\u2019s radar due to the other factions such as the Maggots and the Asslickers. None of the techies bothered with the real faction names.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even though Nya won the money, it was the customer service representative called Iko that got the honor of pressing the big red button that launched the first salve of missiles. And a promotion. It was only fitting. Everybody cheered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was Iko\u2019s and Xenophobe\u2019s conversation (all real names except Iko\u2019s have been changed or redacted for diplomatic reasons).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: This is customer service, Iko speaking. How may I help you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: This is Vey High Ranking Diplomat Dipshit. I got a summons from Big Brother Embassy, but I can\u2019t seem to extract the contents. There seem to be a fault in the system software.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I see. Good thing I\u2019m here. Have you previously submitted a ticket with the problem or is this the first time you have contacted us about the problem?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: What do you mean by submitted a ticket? I\u2019m calling you?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: Yes, I\u2019m aware of that, sir, but we just opened the Customer Service Division today, As you know the feedback we got on the old ticket system was that the wait time was too long. That\u2019s why I\u2019m here to help you. Your personal service representative. However, we would like to link any issues with existing tickets so we can create an incident if needed. Can I have your summons number. Then I will check?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: I already told you, I didn\u2019t submit a ticket. I\u2019m calling you directly to solve the issue!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: You did not exactly say that sir, but that is okay. However, I still need your summons number in order to help you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: Why?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: Well for one, sir, I need to create the ticket now that you have called customer service. And second I need the summons number to check what kind of summons you got.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: \u2026It\u2019s 560-XY-221-03<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: Oh. It\u2019s a -03 summons?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: Yes. What of it?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I\u2019m sorry, but that is a military summons. I do not have clearance for that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: What do you need clearance for? It\u2019s a summons. I need to open it! Can you help me open it so I can see the contents. It could be important as Big Brother is leaving orbit in a few days. In his fleet!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I\u2019m sorry, sir, but I still don\u2019t have clearance to open the contents of the summons from here as it is a military summons. A war fleet one even. Have you tried reading the system manual?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: What manual? If I had a manual I wouldn\u2019t be calling here would I?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: Usually your Embassy should have the manuals for all your summons. Hmm except they did update the single summons to a newer model. Can you tell me if the summons is a single or double summons? You should find the number embedded next the seal.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: I don\u2019t have any manual I told you. Are you stupid you soft shelled puny human? Can I speak to another more competent NON-HUMAN representative?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: There is really no reason to insult me, sir. I\u2019m quite competent for my job. If you could tell me if your summons is a single or a double then I can check if the manual have been updated and if so, then I can direct you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: <\/em>[Pause] It\u2019s double.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: A double. Confirmed. It has not been updated. You do know that a double summons is both relaying information and requiring your to reply?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: YES! That is why I called you. I need to access the content! I don\u2019t have time to go over the hundreds of manuals lying around.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I understand sir. I will file that feedback away to our quality team. This would definitely be something they would like to look into. Now, if you press the following buttons \u2018X\u2019, \u2018Circle\u2019, \u2018Square\u2019 and \u2018X\u2019 again then you should be able to open the summons.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: <\/em>[Pause] It\u2019s not working! It says \u2018Error 40\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: That is not possible sir. That is a human error code. That should not be present in your system at all. Are you sure you are reading it correctly?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: Are you calling me human, you soft shelled bug?? And I can read! It says \u2018Error 40\u201d. Are you stupid<\/em>? You incompetent squishy flesh?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I\u2019m just relaying what the error code means, sir. Error 40 is a code found only in the human software systems. Could you be using a human based console by any chance?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?? Humans are inferior in any way. Both as a species but your technology is outdated compared to the rest of the galaxy.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I see sir. Then my other suggestions would be to reboot the system. There may be a glitch in the system so the summons reads as a Xenophobe summons on a human console system. A reset could fix that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: I don\u2019t have time to reboot a system! You said it yourself, it\u2019s a double summons! I just need you to open the [swearword] summons so I can see the content and reply accordingly!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I\u2019m sorry sir, but I already told you that I don\u2019t have clearance to read -03 summons. Can I suggest you contact your Ambassador to issue me temporary clearance through my manager? Then I would be more than happy to help you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: Like [swearword] NOT! We are not giving any puny humans access to diplomatic sensitive MILITARY summons. Do you think I\u2019m stupid??<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: Not at all sir. If you do not want to grant me clearance to read the summons, then the only way I can help you is to reboot your system.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: What? I told you. I want – <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: You want me to reset the system. I will be happy to comply sir. I can do that remotely. There. It is being rebooted. If you wait another 3 days it should be fully functional again and able to read the summons. If not, then –<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: NO! NO! I said I want you to NOT touch that system. I can\u2019t wait 3 days to access the summons. You stupid HUMAN. This means WAR. You will pay for this!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I\u2019m sorry sir? I\u2019m here trying to give you the best customer service and you just declared war on me?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: YES! YOU and YOUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS. INCOMPETENT. STUPID. WHY DO YOU EVEN RUN THE CUSTOMER SERVICE??<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: I\u2019m sorry to hear you find our lack of customer service lacking. I will be sure to log that within the ticket for review with my superiors. Declaring war on humanity definitely calls for an internal review of our processes. Maybe even an audit is necessary from Big Brother. We really don\u2019t want to disappoint future customers.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: Wait!? What do you meant audit from Big Brother?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: All complaints get logged in the official records and reviewed. We will be sure to take your complaint seriously. Is there anything else I can help you with?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xeno: No, no, no –<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iko: Very well sir. I will send you the ticket number for your convenience if the reboot doesn\u2019t solve your problem. Please refer to that if you need to contact us again with this issue. Then I wish you a nice day.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Xenophopes didn\u2019t have a nice day. And they were only the first.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

HDR, short among the techies for Humanity\u2019s Democratic Republic of Terra, pun intended, due to their surrounding monitors, was under pressure. Increasingly hostile activities had been detected among the so called alliance alien races. They were subtle at first. A rumour from an official source, then a casual remark until an \u2018oversight\u2019 at a diplomatic … <\/p>\n

L\u00e6s videre ““How may I help you?””<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-463","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/463","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=463"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/463\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":474,"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/463\/revisions\/474"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ekata.dk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=463"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}