Prompt
For Soawen
“There are times when Humanity’s Democratic Republic of Terra finds that peace and diplomacy are no longer an option with an increasingly hostile alien race, but Humans can’t be seen delivering the first strike. Thus the creation of the human “Customer Service Division”.
through the use of advanced reverse-diplomacy tactics such as “quality” and “competent” customer service specialists even the most friendly foreign diplomat can be convinced to declare war”
No scope.
HDR, short among the techies for Humanity’s Democratic Republic of Terra, pun intended, due to their surrounding monitors, was under pressure.
Increasingly hostile activities had been detected among the so called alliance alien races. They were subtle at first. A rumour from an official source, then a casual remark until an ‘oversight’ at a diplomatic event happened that was impossible to retaliate as that could not be done subtly.
The techies collected and displayed all the instances of subtle insults on the big screens covering the walls, one for each alien faction. They even had a betting pool going on.
Only one screen was empty and only the newbies coming into the office were stupid enough to bet that an insult would be added there. They had dubbed the faction Big Brother, pun intended.
Big Brother was the major player in the galaxy and the reason that HDR was not able to strike back, neither physically nor diplomatically towards the other alliance races. Big Brother could not see the subtleties that was thrown at HDR. But they would be able to see direct retaliation and nobody wanted to anger Big Brother.
It was hard for HDR to play the same game as the other alliance races since they were being ganged up on.
Until today.
Today was the day the new system was being installed. Today was the day when the techies welcomed new colleagues. Today was the day the Customer Service Division was going live. To support Big Brother’s diplomatic endeavours.
HDR had plotted and prepared. They were ready for NOT delivering the first strike, but Big Brother would not mind them retaliating on anybody that had declared them war.
Today the betting pool had been emptied and a new created. Today the screens had been wiped clean.
Now everybody could watch live when the customer service team talked to the various diplomats.
Nya won the betting pool. The Xenophobes were the first. Which was fitting since they were the most aggressive and least subtle race. They had only managed to stay under Big Brother’s radar due to the other factions such as the Maggots and the Asslickers. None of the techies bothered with the real faction names.
Even though Nya won the money, it was the customer service representative called Iko that got the honor of pressing the big red button that launched the first salve of missiles. And a promotion. It was only fitting. Everybody cheered.
This was Iko’s and Xenophobe’s conversation (all real names except Iko’s have been changed or redacted for diplomatic reasons).
Iko: This is customer service, Iko speaking. How may I help you?”
Xeno: This is Vey High Ranking Diplomat Dipshit. I got a summons from Big Brother Embassy, but I can’t seem to extract the contents. There seem to be a fault in the system software.
Iko: I see. Good thing I’m here. Have you previously submitted a ticket with the problem or is this the first time you have contacted us about the problem?
Xeno: What do you mean by submitted a ticket? I’m calling you?
Iko: Yes, I’m aware of that, sir, but we just opened the Customer Service Division today, As you know the feedback we got on the old ticket system was that the wait time was too long. That’s why I’m here to help you. Your personal service representative. However, we would like to link any issues with existing tickets so we can create an incident if needed. Can I have your summons number. Then I will check?
Xeno: I already told you, I didn’t submit a ticket. I’m calling you directly to solve the issue!
Iko: You did not exactly say that sir, but that is okay. However, I still need your summons number in order to help you.
Xeno: Why?
Iko: Well for one, sir, I need to create the ticket now that you have called customer service. And second I need the summons number to check what kind of summons you got.
Xeno: …It’s 560-XY-221-03
Iko: Oh. It’s a -03 summons?
Xeno: Yes. What of it?
Iko: I’m sorry, but that is a military summons. I do not have clearance for that.
Xeno: What do you need clearance for? It’s a summons. I need to open it! Can you help me open it so I can see the contents. It could be important as Big Brother is leaving orbit in a few days. In his fleet!
Iko: I’m sorry, sir, but I still don’t have clearance to open the contents of the summons from here as it is a military summons. A war fleet one even. Have you tried reading the system manual?
Xeno: What manual? If I had a manual I wouldn’t be calling here would I?
Iko: Usually your Embassy should have the manuals for all your summons. Hmm except they did update the single summons to a newer model. Can you tell me if the summons is a single or double summons? You should find the number embedded next the seal.
Xeno: I don’t have any manual I told you. Are you stupid you soft shelled puny human? Can I speak to another more competent NON-HUMAN representative?
Iko: There is really no reason to insult me, sir. I’m quite competent for my job. If you could tell me if your summons is a single or a double then I can check if the manual have been updated and if so, then I can direct you.
Xeno: [Pause] It’s double.
Iko: A double. Confirmed. It has not been updated. You do know that a double summons is both relaying information and requiring your to reply?
Xeno: YES! That is why I called you. I need to access the content! I don’t have time to go over the hundreds of manuals lying around.
Iko: I understand sir. I will file that feedback away to our quality team. This would definitely be something they would like to look into. Now, if you press the following buttons ‘X’, ‘Circle’, ‘Square’ and ‘X’ again then you should be able to open the summons.
Xeno: [Pause] It’s not working! It says ‘Error 40’
Iko: That is not possible sir. That is a human error code. That should not be present in your system at all. Are you sure you are reading it correctly?
Xeno: Are you calling me human, you soft shelled bug?? And I can read! It says ‘Error 40”. Are you stupid? You incompetent squishy flesh?
Iko: I’m just relaying what the error code means, sir. Error 40 is a code found only in the human software systems. Could you be using a human based console by any chance?
Xeno: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?? Humans are inferior in any way. Both as a species but your technology is outdated compared to the rest of the galaxy.
Iko: I see sir. Then my other suggestions would be to reboot the system. There may be a glitch in the system so the summons reads as a Xenophobe summons on a human console system. A reset could fix that.
Xeno: I don’t have time to reboot a system! You said it yourself, it’s a double summons! I just need you to open the [swearword] summons so I can see the content and reply accordingly!
Iko: I’m sorry sir, but I already told you that I don’t have clearance to read -03 summons. Can I suggest you contact your Ambassador to issue me temporary clearance through my manager? Then I would be more than happy to help you.
Xeno: Like [swearword] NOT! We are not giving any puny humans access to diplomatic sensitive MILITARY summons. Do you think I’m stupid??
Iko: Not at all sir. If you do not want to grant me clearance to read the summons, then the only way I can help you is to reboot your system.
Xeno: What? I told you. I want –
Iko: You want me to reset the system. I will be happy to comply sir. I can do that remotely. There. It is being rebooted. If you wait another 3 days it should be fully functional again and able to read the summons. If not, then –
Xeno: NO! NO! I said I want you to NOT touch that system. I can’t wait 3 days to access the summons. You stupid HUMAN. This means WAR. You will pay for this!
Iko: I’m sorry sir? I’m here trying to give you the best customer service and you just declared war on me?
Xeno: YES! YOU and YOUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS. INCOMPETENT. STUPID. WHY DO YOU EVEN RUN THE CUSTOMER SERVICE??
Iko: I’m sorry to hear you find our lack of customer service lacking. I will be sure to log that within the ticket for review with my superiors. Declaring war on humanity definitely calls for an internal review of our processes. Maybe even an audit is necessary from Big Brother. We really don’t want to disappoint future customers.
Xeno: Wait!? What do you meant audit from Big Brother?
Iko: All complaints get logged in the official records and reviewed. We will be sure to take your complaint seriously. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Xeno: No, no, no –
Iko: Very well sir. I will send you the ticket number for your convenience if the reboot doesn’t solve your problem. Please refer to that if you need to contact us again with this issue. Then I wish you a nice day.
The Xenophopes didn’t have a nice day. And they were only the first.